Ep 028 Overcoming Destructive Anger with Natalie Hixson, The Angry Mama Coach
In episode 028 of the Wholly Well Journey podcast, Natalie Hickson is our special guest sharing about her struggle with destructive mom anger and her road to healing and helping other moms.
But this episode isn’t just for parents—it’s for anyone who has dealt with difficult (even out of control) emotions and craving deep insights and practical steps to become emotionally healthy.
Natalie shares her deeply personal journey of dealing with explosive anger, how it affected her family, and the pivotal moments that led to her transformation.
Through therapy, faith, and practical strategies like the 'sit and pray' technique, Natalie found hope and healing. The conversation focuses on recognizing destructive patterns, the importance of a relationship with God, and offers actionable steps for breaking free from anger to repair and restore relationships with loved ones.
Download your free “Trigger Tracker” from Natalie at https://www.nataliehixson.com/whollywell
Subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and iHeart radio
Connect with Natalie:
Natalie Hixson is a wife and mom. She is an author and Certified Professional Life Coach. Her mission and passion are helping discouraged and burnt-out Christian moms overcome destructive anger so they can enjoy being wives and moms. Natalie, her husband Mike, and their three daughters live in beautiful Bozeman, Montana.
Website: https://nataliehixson.com/
Podcast: https://nataliehixson.com/the-motherhood-restored-podcast/
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/angrymamacoach/
Blog & Coaching
Show Transcript
Note: Podcast transcripts are automatically generated and may contain some errors. The transcript below has been lightly edited for grammar and readability, so may not match the podcast audio verbatim.
Ep 028 Overcoming Destructive Anger with Natalie Hixson, the Angry Mama Coach
[00:00:00] Natalie H: And then she talked to us and she's like, she's perfectly normal for her age and development. Natalie you need to be in here. And I was just like, wait, what? But no, I've tried, nothing's working. And she's like, I understand that it's a challenge at home, but we need to work with you in order to help her.
And so as shocking as it was to hear that, it was also like a deep relief, like, wow, someone's telling me maybe there is hope for me and that maybe I can overcome this.
Welcome to the wholly Well Journey podcast. I'm your host, Stephanie Hodges. Join us for weekly faith based conversations on holistic health to uncover practical tips for how to thrive and apply biblical wisdom to our busy modern lives. From fitness to food to fasting, we're here to discover what it means to have a healthy spirit, soul, and body.
Be sure to subscribe so you don't miss an episode.
[00:00:53] Stephanie H: Before we dive into today's conversation with our guests, Natalie Hickson. I just wanted to bring up why I really wanted someone to come on the podcast and speak about this topic of destructive mom, anger. And it's not just for moms. It's really, for anybody who has experienced destructive, explosive anger in their life or other out of control emotions that you might feel.
I think in any of those cases, it's really going to be a helpful conversation for you to hear Natalie is incredibly transparent. And that's the other thing about it is a lot of times when we share our testimony and even share things about our past that are really uncomfortable or past sin or whatever it is, we kind of gloss over the details and just put an easy label on it. Well, Natalie, doesn't do that.
She's really honest about some of the things that happened that she's not proud of, and that were difficult. And on that note, I think it's worth mentioning that this may not be an episode that you want to listen to out loud around kids. Or if you have experienced childhood abuse, it may be something that would be a bit triggering for you.
So I want to give a fair warning on that, but this doesn't dwell on the dark parts of the story. It really talks about how Natalie came to a realization and did the work over many years so that now she can help other moms. And she ends with some very practical steps for us. And so I want to say again, whether it's related to parenting and whether you're a mom or not, I really think that this conversation is going to be really helpful for you. In your emotional wellbeing and understanding more about how to break out of destructive patterns that we're in and really transform our lives for the better. So let's dive into this conversation with Natalie.
Welcome. And today we have with us, Natalie Hixson. She's a wife and mom, an author, a certified professional life coach, and her mission and passion are helping discourage and burn out. Christian moms overcome destructive anger so they can enjoy being wives and moms. Natalie, her husband, Mike, and their three daughters live in beautiful Bozeman, Montana. So Natalie, thank you so much for coming. If we were to ask moms out there, who's feeling burnout, who's feeling discouraged. It's probably everyone. but part of what's so unique to your mission and what you help other moms with is with destructive anger. So can you share with us, what was the pivotal moment or season of your life that led you to focus on that specific topic? Of destructive anger.
[00:03:22] Natalie H: Yeah, so I guess what helped me get to the point of actually sharing this story and helping other moms actually came because of a friend. I was in a little mastermind group with a couple of gals and one night we stayed up late talking. we were talking about our motherhood journeys and we both were relating with anger and how anger had been a challenge.
And we were talking about how we had been working through it and she had a podcast and she's like, you got to come on my podcast and talk about this with my people. And so I did, I came on and shared my story and that is when mom started reaching out and they're like, Oh, I need to hear more.
I need to work with you. so that's kind of where I started helping others. But my story as to how I got to that point starts gosh, when I was a kid, my parents the way that. Destructive anger was shown in, or the way the anger was processed in my house was really kind of that loud yelling, sometimes door slams, or, you know, something might be thrown.
It was just a very loud and destructive way to process the anger. And I always like to caveat, like my parents are awesome. They've definitely grown and have healed through their journey as well.
So I don't, I don't ever want people to think I'm throwing my parents under the bus. I love them. My mom homeschooled my kids. I think so. Sweet relationship that we've, we've created there, but that's what I grew up with Not all moms grow up with that, but this is my story how started with it, right?
So then fast forward, I get married and I marry someone who's avoids conflict and maybe there's more of a little passive aggressiveness or not wanting to deal with anything and so when we'd get into an argument, I would yell and be scary and throw things . Slam doors. And I can remember asking him, he wouldn't do that.
He just sit there and be quiet and like withdraw. I remember screaming at him one time, why won't you just yell back at me? He's like, that's just not what I do. he had a totally different experience growing up. It wasn't perfect either, but The way anger was processed didn't look like how I was processing.
And so it was in those moments I started to recognize, maybe this isn't normal. Maybe this isn't healthy. And, you know, growing up, yeah, it's scary, but you just don't think about, I mean, I can remember even hearing from my mom after she yelled and she's like, this is just how we vent. This is how we process and it's okay.
We had our first child and when she was about two years old this is where my story gets really ugly and I'm not proud of it, but it's, you know, I'm sharing this for the moms who are out there.
I would be on the floor throwing tantrums with my oldest. I would be screaming at her throwing things. I would leave bruises on her arm from squeezing her too hard or handprints on her butt from spanking too hard. I would threaten her and belittle her.
And it's not just that too, this was for years. This was going on, and it wasn't until her sister was born, I can remember nursing her the, the younger sister, nursing her, and hearing Mike, my husband, put my oldest to bed. At night, trying to get her to go to bed and she's throwing this epic tantrum, which was very typical because I didn't know how to help her out of it.
I just got mad at her for her tantrum. So we continued that process. She's screaming. She can't hear me, but I'm just sitting there getting more and more angry to the point where I just scream for her to shut up and go to bed and listen to daddy.
Again, she couldn't hear me, but I screamed and my baby stops nursing and just looks at me with this horrific scary You know, she's totally scared, starts bawling, and I'm just sitting there like, this, this has to end, you know, and I had been trying, like, I'd been praying, I'd been trying to will myself to not be angry and go to bed crying at night and be so upset with myself for how I was treating my, my kids.
But I didn't know how to stop it. I'm like, okay, tomorrow I'm not going to yell. Tomorrow I'm not going to get angry and immediately wake up, something happens, I'm exploding. And so I think, you know, granted, this wasn't like all day I was exploding, but I got triggered easily and got to that moment quickly.
And so We decided to take my oldest to therapy because I thought, you know, if we can help her with her tantrums, then I won't get so upset. I just didn't think I could be helped. I also wasn't taking responsibility. So we went to the therapy and the therapist observed her.
And then she talked to us and she's like, she's perfectly normal for her age and development. Natalie you need to be in here. And I was just like, wait, what? But no, I've tried, nothing's working. And she's like, I understand that it's a challenge at home, but we need to work with you in order to help her.
And so as shocking as it was to hear that, it was also like a deep relief, like, wow, someone's telling me maybe there is hope for me and that maybe I can overcome this. I went to therapy for four years. It did help me in many ways. I understood a lot about my past, a lot about how I work, how I think but it didn't stop the patterns.
I left therapy four years later, still having. destructive behavior. It had definitely eased. It had definitely started getting better, but I still had these patterns that I hadn't overcome of like getting to the point of yelling and screaming or whatever. So that started my journey and I also had a kind of a rocky relationship with the Lord at that point, and we had transitioned from one church out of one denomination into non denomination.
And it was kind of scary for me in that moment, so shaky with my faith, but he was faithful. He kept pulling me along and leading me to the place where just more personal growth. I'd read books. I started trying to Spend more time with the Lord daily and grow within him To the point where we get to this place of hey come on my podcast Let's talk about this and things have been getting better But I still wasn't perfect and I still not perfect by the way I still make mistakes and it was as I started helping moms the Lord started giving me More like kind of downloads of information.
This is the stuff that's going to help them. I'd start you like giving them advice and they'd start using it and I'd start seeing success for them and I was using it myself So I was staying accountable because I'm coaching these moms. I'm like, I can't just coach them how to do this and then Hang up the phone and flip out.
The Lord through my coaching sessions, still even to this day, talks to me, I'll be coaching a client. I'm like, this is what I need to hear today. So totally just following him in that. And a big part of my healing was spending time with him daily and accountability, and then applying some of these things that I've been learning to help.
Moms to my own life. And then today I just like to share the relationship that I have with my kids It's it's been restored. It's beautiful. It is not anything like I thought when I was throwing those two year old tantrums myself with my two year old I just like, I'm destroying my relationship with my kids.
I'm not going to have a friendship with my kids. And it's interesting, right? Because my relationship with my parents was good. I love my parents. Talked to my mom, my mom today still, she's my best friend. And I relied so heavily on them to help me through this as well. Our relationship is it's just so good.
It's so beautiful. We communicate Well, we do have our disagreements. We do butt heads occasionally teenagers you have to learn not to take their stuff personally as they're going through it and just kind of look at their age and development. But my oldest for sure, one of the sweet, sweet blessings I got was just about a year or two years ago.
I had visited my oldest in college. She goes to college in Tennessee at the moment, and I went down there to help her pack up and get stuff to come home for the summer, I was there early because I wanted to watch some concerts of hers. She's there for music, and I just told him, like, if I'm in your space at all, you know, I could stay at my hotel and whatever.
I don't want to be in your way. And she's like, Mom, having you here lowers my stress level. Like hearing the words come out of her mouth, I still get emotional just saying that because it's like, wait, when you were two years old, I was causing you stress. I was the source of your stress.
And today you're telling me almost 18 years later that. you want to be with me, you love having my presence there. So I just love to share that because if you're sitting there listening to this going, I'm ruining my relationship with my kids. God is in the business of restoration and renewal, and he will absolutely bless you in your walk with him as you are faithful to him.
Get to know the Lord personally. He will restore these relationships in your life. So there you go.
[00:12:55] Stephanie H: Wow. That is so good. And thank you for your transparency in this, because I don't know any parent out there who couldn't admit there's been a point where I lost it with my kids, you know, and there's, just a point to where you're so tired. Anger is a normal emotion. There are those moments where we're not these perfectly put together parents who are following this exact script of dialogue in the latest parenting book that we read. There are moments when your emotions and your humanity kind of overcome you. And I think what's important in what you were talking about, and we're going to unpack this more, is what happens when it becomes a cycle?
What happens when it becomes a habitual behavior? What happens when you're feeling out of control? Like this is something that's controlling you. And anger, it's one of those interesting emotions that I feel like we don't talk about as much as we do. All of the other emotions in the spectrum, but how do you know the difference between normal anger and destructive anger?
[00:14:00] Natalie H: Yeah, so let's start, with the fact that we do have these main core emotions, right? I typically teach from the aspect of anger, disgust, fear sadness, and of course we have joy.
[00:14:17] Stephanie H: Inside Out
[00:14:17] squadcaster-0d75_1_06-12-2024_103325: Yeah, Inside Out. It's one of my favorite Disney movies because of this very reason, right?
we have these emotions We are created in his image. He's got these emotions and so he's got anger Righteous anger. It's not, he doesn't sit in his anger, obviously, but he has anger. And so we experience this as well. And so there is this really healthy aspect to negative emotions and it's to stop, like, help us to stop and check in.
Like, why are we feeling this? It's an alarm bell going off. It's a speed bump. What's going on here? Why am I feeling this? And what do I need to do with this feeling? And often we are. And we're told or culture or parents or whatever, we're told that if we have these negative emotions, we need to get rid of them as quickly as possible.
we need to just be happy. We need to be okay. Because when we're little, our anger, our sadness, these emotions that come out loud, they, Are destructive and you know, you're busy, You've got lots going on. You're trying to do stuff. Your kid's crying and it's a nuisance.
It's like, just stop crying. I can't take one more thing. You just need to be okay. Like you're crying over a broken crayon. It's no big deal. Here's a blue crayon, but I want this blue,
A lot of the moms that I work with are very sensitive to sound. And so even chewing, sniffing, this is me too. Exactly. I know there's a name for it. I can't remember, but we're sensitive to the high pitch screaming We feel that having this anger or negative emotion, there's something wrong with us.
It's not okay. We need to stop it. Or we may even feel like it's a sin to feel anger, right? And so just acknowledging, first of all, that it's okay to feel angry, frustrated. It's okay to feel afraid or have anxiety. It's okay that these feelings are there. What are they pointing to? when we look at destructive anger versus the normal anger that we experienced, what is that?
So normal anger, you're feeling frustrated. You are the energy inside. You're starting to feel a little tense. Maybe you shortness of breath or maybe tightness in your neck, whatever. You're starting to feel this in bubbling up, and if we don't know how to deal with it, it turns into screaming, yelling destructive behaviors are those behaviors that are hurting other people or are destructive, It hurts your relationship.
You're trying to control something by using these behaviors. And so again, that's like screaming, yelling, slamming things, physical abuse like spanking too hard and then, or shaking your kids. We've got the, I say threats, belittling passive aggressive behavior.
Silent treatments snarky comments, just that type of shutting down. So all these type of behaviors that we're using that we, it doesn't feel good when someone does it to us, right? And so, but we're also using it on other people. So that's where I say destructive behavior.
That's the not healthy anger. That's the anger that leads us into sin. We're sitting in those anger moments where it's just feeling it or expressing, Hey, I'm frustrated. I need to stop my foot right now cause I just need to get out this energy. I tell moms go to the recycle bin, whip a plastic bottle across the garage, stomp on a can or beat down a box.
Like get the energy out. That's okay. we have energy when we are sad, we build up these tears, right? And they cry, we cry, or if we're disgusted, we might have this like, ew, gross, or stomachache, because it's disgusting. And then fear, we might have that response where Our heart starts beating quick.
We get sweaty or shortness of breath. We have that feeling and joy. When we're happy, we might laugh or giggle or just we smile. So why wouldn't we have a reaction to anger? Right? So that's a normal reaction to experience. it's not normal to hurt people with your anger, but it's normal to feel it and even have to express it and communicate the fact that, Hey, I'm angry right now and it's okay I'm angry, but I need to take a moment to decompress before I continue in this.
[00:18:43] Stephanie H: Yeah, this is a good place to interject the reminder that although we're talking specifically about the example of anger and parenting, this applies to all relationships. It
could be how you process anger with your spouse. Of course, how you process anger at work. with your coworkers or your bosses or those in authority your friends, your family, your extended family.
the crowded store that, and that's a big issue in our culture right now is just the rage culture that seems so popular on social media. And it's funny, but it's really. Has some pretty destructive effects like we're talking about, but I think there's also this place to have your relationship with yourself. What happens when you're angry with yourself? What happens when you're raging at yourself? And I know you talked about having some different phases on this journey where you're learning, you're growing, You don't just read one book or go to one counseling session and flip a switch overnight. when these patterns are so deeply ingrained in us, it's a process. To create new patterns and to get out of these cycles and create new cycles. so as you were going along in your journey, what do you think were some of the big challenges you face that caused you to get stuck in certain places?
[00:20:04] Natalie H: Let's see. So, part of it was just having kids in general. Kids can be triggering, right? Their behavior. Not knowing. So, the insecurities of how do I, How do I deal with this? How do I help them cope through this? I remember, too, just feeling like I'd read these different parenting books and go to different parenting seminars and not be able to implement what I was learning because I'd get too angry before I could implement it, right?
So feeling like information overload, not sure how to do really was being stuck in the switch from going feeling frustrated to checking out and rage very quickly. And so it really took learning how to have awareness about these situations. I was in a relationship, it was a friendship. I later found out that this person was a narcissistic sociopath and I was in that relationship for 12 years and that caused a lot of turmoil in my life and my family life. I would put this person before my family and as I learned who I was dealing with that was another part of my healing journey to understand toxic people and behaviors and what it can do.
So that was a part of my challenges and then also my relationship with my husband. It was on the rocks a lot and, It was like 2015 that we were like, it's time to divorce. We can't do this anymore. We can't communicate, can't get on the same page. And the Lord was like, no, that's not my plan for you guys.
So he led us into coaching with a marriage coach who she helped us to get on the same page and communicate, which was huge in also my journey of the destructive behaviors. It was helping me create awareness. And that's such a huge thing. And that is after you've had an episode where you've Use destructive behavior or had a destructive moment. You know, give yourself some time to calm down, but you go to this questionnaire and it asks you, you know, what was going on for you?
What was going on for the other person? what did you do? That's like the not fun question, but just kind of confessing. What did you do? And you know, how do you want to handle this different next time? What are some healthy ways you think you could do that? And then also encourage you to pray and look in the word for some encouragement around this trigger.
But what that's doing is you're giving yourself pause to reflect and you're giving yourself a moment to think, this is what has been going on for me. And through that, you might even find some ways of what could I do? How can I prevent this from happening? So an example is bedtime routine, bedtime routine is typically a big trigger, especially with small kids.
And so what going through that trigger tracker, many times moms will see, you know, if I just do a sit and pray, I'll tell you what that is in a minute. If I just do a sit and pray before I call bedtime, that might actually give me just enough to get through the bedtime routine without losing it.
And then also so. That's the thing, like you're seeing different ways on how I can do this better. And what happens so often is they do a trigger tracker. My mom's will do a trigger tracker and that trigger happens again, but they've had awareness around it. So now they're kind of staying in the moment a little bit, even if they, they lose it, they have more awareness about what's going on for them.
And they're like, Hey, This is what's going on for me, and I'm choosing to still yell, but I can't not hear myself. Like, I'm here. I used to check out and rage, and I know many moms will do this. They kind of check out. They get to a place where they start screaming like a lion, causing all this turmoil, and then they come back, and I remember this.
I'd come back and I'd be like, what did I just do? It was like I left my body or something. It just was so crazy to get to that manic point, right? So it's, it's just giving yourself that time to stay. Even if we make the mistake, we can recover and we, we should recover, but we want to create that awareness around these situations.
[00:24:22] Stephanie H: The one thing that I have been really thinking about as you're talking is there's so many similarities with this and talking about the triggers with emotional eating. And that's something like on the podcast, we talk a lot about healthy eating. We talk a lot about fitness and health, but just even in my study of dealing with emotional eating, it's so similar in that those emotions rise up in you, there's such a quick fuse from going from feeling that emotion. To eating. And then like you're saying, also going on autopilot, just eating until you're stuffed. And then later you're like, why did I do that? What was I doing? But it also, it comes back to that awareness piece and slowing the pace,
taking that second to pause being aware of your triggers, just knowing like, man, if I have a really rough day at work.
Then that's going to trigger me to go through the fast food drive through and whatever it is
having the awareness, knowing your triggers, taking a pause, which is what I think you're about to share with us now. So I would love to hear about the sit and pray.
[00:25:28] squadcaster-0d75_1_06-12-2024_103325: Yeah, absolutely. And that trigger tracker, you can definitely use it for anything. I've had moms use it for eating, emotional eating. I've had them use it for miscarriages just any gamut. Like, it's just giving yourself pause to like reflect what's going on for me. So sit and pray is an acronym and it's stop.
Inhale, tune in, and then I add the prion, right? And so what that stands for is S is like stop. And separate if you can, if you have the ability to leave the room, maybe go to the bathroom, So, if you are able to go to the bathroom, even if your toddler follows you, you know, and they're banging on the door, if it's safer for you to sit
with that door between you. Just make sure they're safe. Make sure your littles are safe. If you have littles and you can use this in any scenario, like with eating, extended family work environment, any environment where you need to take a pause, go to the bathroom.
So stop and separate. I is inhale. Start taking those deep breaths. As soon as you start to feel frustrated start breathing because that calms the nervous system down. we have a bone in our brain. called the sphenoid bone. as you're breathing, it's massaging your pituitary gland.
It's sending out these like calm down signals, right? So it's really important to start breathing, tune in. It's okay that I'm feeling this emotion right now. It's okay that I'm tired. It's okay that I'm angry or stressed or anxious. It's okay that my body is feeling this.
Why am I feeling this? What's going on for me? What's going on for the others? What's going on for my kiddo who's angry or my boss or the driver, you know, in front of me? So it's taking that moment to tell yourself it's okay, validate your feelings, and then think about empathy for the other party involved, what's going on for them.
And then the pray part. So just asking the Lord for strength. And wisdom and guidance. But yeah, just asking more for wisdom and discernment, you know, help me figure out constructively, how can I productively work through this?
So that's that positive sit and pray. Now we can't always just like take a full sit and pray. We can't just always leave the room. So any part of that, and kind of for me now, when I get frustrated, it's just like this little, It just goes off in my brain, you know, take a deep breath, tune in what's going on.
You know, maybe if I need to, I'll walk across the room or get up off the couch and just move my body for a second. But taking that moment and praying like, Lord, give me strength right now. So it's just, it can be a very quick in the moment thing, or you can take that full, I need to get out of this room.
[00:28:08] Stephanie H: Yeah. And what do you think was missing in your faith? You know, when you talked about having that rocky relationship with the Lord in the beginning and having that be such a key piece to you finding transformation?
[00:28:23] Natalie H: Yeah. So I kind of like to use an example of a marriage relationship. If you and your husband, let's say you stay home and your husband goes to work. Okay. That's the scenario. And so in the morning, kissing goodbye, say, have a great day. And he leaves, he comes home and as soon as he walks in the door, you're like, hi, happy to see you.
Here's all the things that went wrong today. Here's what I need you to fix. And here's all the things I'm frustrated about, but thanks for working. I love you. And that's the last thing you say to him. You don't even listen to him. Often our relationship with the Lord can look very one sided on our, on our side. And then we never, you know, you're out in a crowd and your husband's calling your name and you can't hear him because you never recognized his voice because you never listened to him.
Right. And so, When we're going through these moments where we're frustrated or we're stressed or we're overwhelmed and the Lord's trying to hear us we only tell him about the overwhelm. We never stop to listen and actually have a relationship with him We won't recognize his voice in the moment. We will question who he is His goodness, his faithfulness, his existence And so it's so important that we take that time every day if we can even if it's just five minutes and we check in and we pray and we Ask the Lord to lead us and guide us
I remember asking the Lord, just take me by the shoulders and shake me, Lord. Let me hear you before I'm destructive. So having that relationship is so vital and key to hearing him and recognizing his voice. And as far as me in the beginning, like when we were transitioning we were in a face that it was really pressed upon that you were accepted.
And well, you could never actually fully embrace your salvation, but you were okay if you were one of them. And if you weren't one of them, then you weren't saved. So that journey was, we left that denomination and I was in fear that I wasn't saved. And then it led me down to questioning everything and looking into all different types of religions and even, even to the point of like Wicca and all that stuff, like scary, right?
He brought me back, and I just remember there was a night, it was like midnight, it was like around New Year's, kids were little, I just remember looking up at the stars, everybody was asleep, and I look up and I'm like, Lord, if you actually are there, I need to know, because right now I can't even, I can't, I just, I don't even feel.
And so heard that prayer and he led me on the journey that I've shared with you and through that journey, I built this relationship with him and one of the fundamental parts in that was going to life coach school. It was a Christian life coach school. They were very adamant. If you're going to teach people, if you're going to coach people and you're going to do this from the Christian.
Perspective, you better know the Lord because you want him coaching your people. You don't want to do it. If you're doing it on your own, you're not going to help them. But if you're asking the Lord to come into this relationship and lead you and you be the tool, that is what will help the people. And so in order to do that, you have to have a relationship with the Lord.
And it's the same thing in your family. If you are going to lead your children, you're going to. Be a tool and a witness to your children. You have to know the Lord. And just because we accept the Lord doesn't mean we get a fruit basket of the, of all the like, you know, patient fruits of the spirit.
Lord, I think I accepted you, but if I accepted you, why am I still screaming at my kids and my husband? I gave you a packet of seeds and you have to cultivate those seeds and you have to do that with my love, with my word, with fellowship, with prayer, with listening for the Holy Spirit and that guidance, that's what cultivates those fruits.
That's where you will grow in your patience and your, Goodness and your faithfulness and your perseverance and all those things. So that's, that's kind of my journey with the Lord and why it's so important that if you want to overcome and you can overcome these destructive things, then you have to know the Lord and you're not going to be perfect.
And he's, my fruit isn't ripe, and I don't believe it'll be ripe until I'm with him in heaven. And so, I'm going to make mistakes, and when I make mistakes, I have to recover with whoever it is I made that mistake with. And that looks like going back and saying, I was wrong.
Please forgive me for how I treated you. It was okay that I was angry. It was not okay that I screamed at you. Please forgive me or that I said this thing to you or treated you in this way. So please forgive me for my behavior. What was going on for you during this? what was going on for you listening to them offering them empathy and validating if you're working with your kids validating, I understand that you were angry.
I can see why you would feel that way. And you just needed to be validated in that not told to stop being angry. Right. And, and then also in that moment, if it calls for physical touch, like a hug or a cuddle and prayer, if needed, or, you know, Appropriate in that time. So that's how I recovered too.
[00:33:49] Stephanie H: And you've really gone into the depths of this, that it's not a quick fix that it took reflecting on your past, counseling, years of time spent with the Lord, repairing your relationship with your husband. So there's all these layers to it. It's not just dealing with the tantrum,
It's like, well, how to stop tantrums. What's going on beneath that tantrum. And the way I respond to it is my whole history and my whole internal dialogue and so many other factors that are going into it. I'm recognizing where I'm in these destructive patterns. What are some of the key strategies or tools that you can give them to start on this journey to finding more joy?
[00:34:35] Natalie H: Yeah. First of all, just recognize the fact that you're not alone. You're not the only one who struggles with this. Trust me. I get lots and lots of emails of mamas and people reaching out this, this is my struggle. And so you're not alone. And I can understand it being scary to talk to somebody about it.
and my heart for those mamas is you can change, you can overcome this. And there are people like me out there who you can tell your story to. you have hope this is how you're going to overcome this and how do we do that? It's again, first of all, recognizing you are the one who has to change.
You can't stop your kids or your husband or anyone else in your life from the behaviors that they have. You can't control their behaviors and you can't stop them. So recognize the only thing you can do is change your reactions. In changing your reactions, you will have an effect on everybody else because if you don't react the same, then they have to react differently to you.
And that can even be a little scary for families as moms are working through the healing because they don't trust that mom's not going to just explode. It feels more safe to cope the way they've been coping with mom because that's what they know. And moms can have this fear of I don't think I can actually change and they'll get stuck in that fear.
And so I tell you, if you are afraid, that's a good thing. That means there's something behind that. That means if you work through that fear and you push through it, you don't let the enemy stop you. You don't let your own flesh stop you push through that fear and work through it. And you will have breakthrough on the other side of it.
Just push through that. And then, yeah, start reaching out to somebody who you do trust that can, you feel like you can confide in and start just opening up. Hey, this is my struggle. And it doesn't have to start with the deepest darkest secrets of yours. You can start with, I'm, I get angry with my kids and I don't know how to deal with it, you know?
So maybe start there with a friend or a trusted you know, maybe someone in your church or someone that you trust in that way. And then start creating awareness like the Trigger Tracker. It's free. Go start doing the Trigger Trackers. Start creating awareness around these things that are bringing you, like, to this exploding point.
I tell my clients when they're working with me, I want to see at least one time that you did a full sit and pray, look for the opportunities. So if we're looking for the opportunities to use it, we're in a more productive mindset.
So we're looking for opportunities to sit and pray. We're creating awareness with things like the trigger tracker and then most important more than anything else We need to start developing a habit with the Lord even if it's five minutes We need to pray, we need to get some word, get a word into you, read a Bible verse and just ask the Lord to, you know, let that soak in.
Memorize a Bible verse, anything if you can take longer time, fantastic. Really start to develop that relationship and get still, Lord, I want to hear your voice. You know, I want to see you and we see him in his creation and we see him in our child's smile and a warm hug and know that the Lord is speaking to you in that.
[00:37:47] Stephanie H: That's so wonderful. And I really do encourage all the listeners to dive into these hard things, because what's so convenient to do nowadays is to put your kid on a screen. Here's your tablet. Go sit in the corner. And that is not okay. And we are seeing more and more because not only is it not okay for you. But it's also not okay for your child to not learn how to work through those difficult things, to embrace all of the emotions, to learn how to communicate, to learn how to talk about those things. And of course that's something with kids, like in an age appropriate way, they don't always know what they're feeling and they don't know how to verbalize it. So we have to be there for them. But sometimes that's the case for us too, until we learn how to do it.
[00:38:32] Natalie H: Yeah, and as we learn to do it, we get to model that to our kids and help them if you can start recognizing, first of all, for you, what am I feeling right now?
What emotion is it? And then start asking your kids or just acknowledging, I see you're angry right now. It's okay that you're feeling that way. It's not okay to chuck your toy at your sister's head, but it is okay that you're feeling, angry. So helping them work through those emotions and just validating them for the emotion that they have.
And yes, calling out the poor behavior, the things that are okay, you know, and my kids would tantrum when I was in a healthier place. If they tried to hit me, I'd grab their hand and I just look at them firmly and say, it's okay. You're angry right now, but it's not okay to hit mommy. So. Just giving them that place.
I can remember just telling them, I take my, my youngest up to her room when throwing a tantrum and I'd sit on the floor and I was calm. I was breathing.
It was irritating, but I was like, I can handle this. And that's, self talk. I handle this. The Lord's here. He's giving me a strength. And so I would just look at her and be like, it's okay if you need to scream and cry right now. And when you're done, mommy's sitting here and we can talk about it.
And so she would, she'd throw herself on the floor, she'd scream, and then eventually she'd come sit in my lap and I'd give her a cuddle and just help let her feel those emotions. And then talk about what's going on with her afterwards.
You're angry. It's not okay to do that. So just letting your kids have that emotion. If you have teenagers like I do when they get angry and they stomp off, let them go to their room. we let our kids slam the door. If they do it more than once or twice, we're like, okay, that's enough.
they are allowed to go slam their door be in their room and I give them space. Because they need to process. They don't need me coming after them and telling them what's the matter. You need to stop being rude and disrespectful. They need to calm down. And then later we can talk what's going on for you.
I see. I know you're upset. and they will very much appreciate that space. If you can give that to them.
[00:40:34] Stephanie H: So good. And I know you mentioned the free resource, the trigger tracker, and we're going to put the link to that in the show notes. It's at Natalie Hixson, H I X S O N. com be sure to go to the show notes and look for that. how else can people connect with you online and what is it that you offer in terms of coaching
[00:40:54] Natalie H: Yeah, sure. So I'm at, my website is where you can find like everything. Basically I have a podcast. It's called the Motherhood Restored Podcast and I get the pleasure of having you on there as well. I'm excited about that. And then I'm at Angry Mama Coach on Instagram. And then what I do with moms right now is I run group programs,
We go for eight weeks. the next one is this fall. So you can see that on work with me or work with Natalie on my page. And then after they've gone through the group program, they can do one on one with me if they choose to. So that's what I do.
[00:41:32] Stephanie H: Natalie, can you pray for our listeners as we close today?
[00:41:36] Natalie H: Dear Heavenly Father, thank you so much for this time today that we've had to discuss, you know, the emotions and what triggers us and how to work through these things. Lord, I just pray that you'll please bless the mama who's out there who might even be crying at this point because she relates so much to the anger and the emotions and feeling out of control.
And I just pray that you'll wrap your arms around her, give her strength. Give her the ability to speak up and to know Lord that you will recover the scenario and you can help her end any generational sin in this and stop it with her
You know, even if she's curious, why Lord, did you even give me these kids? Lord, help her to find confidence in her motherhood, that you are growing her and bringing her kids closer to you through this. If she will just rise, take a responsibility and start walking with you, Lord, please call to her heart, comfort her heart.
And thank you Lord for all that you do for us. We're grateful. For your sovereignty, for your love, for your precious name we pray. Amen.
[00:42:46] Stephanie H: Amen.
Just a reminder and disclaimer that this podcast is for educational and informational purposes only. It is not a substitute for medical advice or professional counseling. Please be sure to consult your doctor before making any changes to your diet or exercise plan or starting to fast.
